The Swozzled Sorcerer

The Cryptic Critic Reviews: The Swozzled Sorcerer

Who is the Cryptic Critic? No one knows, and that’s the point! She travels all over Greyport in disguise, sampling the fare at all the city’s inns and taverns. The only sign of her passing is the Golden Forks she leaves behind after she dines (along with the occasional fake mustache or two—oops)! Be ready! She could be coming to your establishment next!

I know what you’re thinking, Gentle Reader.

“The Swozzled Sorcerer?! What’s that? I’ve never heard of it!”

Don’t feel ashamed. Your humble CC hadn’t heard of it either until just this week!

The Swozzled Sorcerer (formerly the Archmagicians’ Club, formerly the Old Faculty Staff Lounge), is the best-kept secret of the Mages’ Collegium other than the extradimensional vault we’re not supposed to know about. Prior to the Day of Red Fire, it served as a prep room for the Collegium’s professors. After the Timelock Ritual expired, the returning faculty decided to move their staff room to the north wing, much farther away from the student dormitories. The old staff lounge was completely renovated and refurbished to serve as an exclusive club, library, and lounge for the Chancellor, their guests, and anyone with tenure.

The Archmagicians’ Club remained an on-campus secret for many years until it was accidentally discovered by a trio of bored first-year students who were actually looking for the Collegium’s High Magic Menagerie. The club’s patrons, amused and a little impressed at the first-years’ chutzpah, allowed them each a tiny snifter of magically-aged brandy before patting them on the heads and sending them off to bed.

This proved to have been a terrible, terrible mistake on their part, as word of the first-years’ discovery spread across the campus like dragonsfire. Although the old guard tried to repel the invaders, they were ultimately powerless in the face of numerous, youthful, energetic, and thirsty students.

Those wishing to experience the Swozzled Sorcerer as it once was are advised to don one’s best bathrobe and slippers and arrive during the day (preferably before noon). At that time, the air is quiet and refined, and the club’s large windows provide an impressive view of the cliffs and the sea. The CC found the service to be brisk and professional. The drinks, if a bit stodgy, are expertly crafted using magically aged spirits of the highest quality. One might even get a chance to overhear some complex philosophical discussions, or watch a heated game of Thaumaturgical Toppling Towers.

This staid and refined atmosphere lasts only until the early evening, when the students invade. The mood quickly turns rambunctious, filling the room with raucous conversation and dangerous games of “Truth or Spell.” The few old guard that remain hide themselves behind a barrier of tall-backed chairs and defensive wards. 

The students also take over the making of the Swozzled Sorcerer’s food and beverage. Most of the edible offerings are deep fried, but the drinks are unique and delightful. The CC recommends making the Moebeerius either your only or your last beverage of the night. She started out with one and, while it was delicious, it kept repeating on her.

The CC highly recommends the Swozzled Sorcerer to people in general and to anyone of the magical persuasion in particular. She would strongly recommend arriving in small groups, especially if you are planning to come during the day. We don’t want to give these learned professors any more gray hairs, after all!

OTHER TIPS: Do not gamble with the students. Your winnings will inevitably turn back into peanuts before you reach home. The food’s quality is merely serviceable, even with deep frying. The CC has yet to find any food as delicious and exquisitely prepared as those provided by the cute, intelligent, and charming chef at the Red Dragon Inn.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR: The comfortable couch by the fireplace with a “Zot slept here” plaque. Of course, as he was trapped in the Collegium for half a century, the CC thinks plaques indicating where Zot hasn’t slept would be more useful and notable.

GOLDEN FORKS: 4 out of 5.

The Swozzled Sorcerer is coming soon in Melvyn vs Marah!

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